The Anti Makeup Review (The Most Rubbish Beauty Products In My Bag)

The Most Rubbish Beauty Products in my Bag

As a hoarder of all things cosmetic, I have taken it upon myself to save you money this year (you’re  very welcome) by helping you shop for things that aren’t shit. And trust me, with the way I purchase beauty products I have quite the list of beauty boo boos to share with you.

1. Any mascara from Maybelline that isn’t this one:

great lash

… And even then, one needs to have saintly patience before it really becomes good. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of ronds I have literally urinated away on purchasing glorified tubes of rubbish promising extra length, false look effect and 33% more volume. Dogs bollocks, all of them. The biggest culprit? This waste or R190 posing as a wand of mascara:

Maybelline_New_York_Volum__039__Express_Colossal_Smoky_Eyes_Mascara___Intense_Smoky_Black_10_7ml_1368009993

2. This face cream from Sorbet.

Is it a cream or an exfoliator? Because why in gods name would a face moisturiser contain microscopic grains of sand? Ladies, picture going to the beach, getting dunked by a wave and having sand land in your bikini top. Picture that sand rubbing against delicate nipples for hours on end. Unpleasant? Well that’s exactly what this cream from Satan feels like when applied to your face.


sorbet hydro skin

3. Essie Nail Polish

I’ve watched an episode of Friends that lasted longer than this crap. Plus, Essie is now stocked in Clicks. That’s when you know a product is officially one step away from being the water boy at a B game.

Essie

4. This cop-out of colour disguised as an eye shadow.

SHAME ON YOU CATRICE FOR EVEN ATTEMPTING TO LAUNCH SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I could get more colour out of a tin of baking soda. Not even wetting the brush and applying the dare-I-call-it-shadow like a paint makes a difference. Donate this one to a small child, or a dustbin closest to you.

Catrice eyeshadow

5. This smells-like-a-hookah shower gel

Disclaimer – it may be because I’m pregnant, but using this shower douche (and what a douch it is) pretty much smells like I’m washing my bits with strawberry hubbly bubbly tobacco.

Palmolive

 

6. Aussie Miracle Hair conditioner

What is a miracle? Walking on water? Actually finding that needle in a haystack? Because seriously, to name your product after an entire country (as well as an act of divine intervention) is really setting your standards, and my expectations very high. Plus, it’s sold at Clicks, and we all know what that means.

The only redeeming factor to this shameful excuse for a conditioner? It smells glorious. But so does bacon, and that’s also pretty rubbish when applied to your scalp.

aussie miracle

I’m stopping here. I don’t want to overwhelm you or make myself cry again.

If you were planning on buying any of the above items, stop it immediately and spend your money on something more wise, such as a water pistol, or electronic can opener.

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What’s The Big Buzz About BB Cream?

The other day while perusing the makeup shelf at Clicks, I overheard the following conversation:

Lady 1: “What’s this BB cream I see everywhere?”

Lady 2: “I have no idea, also been seeing it all over the show”

Lady 1: “What do you think it stands for?”

it was at this point that I politely interjected and told them it stood for ‘Beauty Balm’ or ‘Blemish Balm; and is the latest craze to hit the beauty and cosmetic industry. Basically, a BB Cream promises several things: Moisturise, SPF protection, anti-oxidants, sheer coverage, priming and brightening.

Locally, Garnier was the first company to sell the product, followed (swiftly) by Revlon, Ponds and Clinique among others.

I for one do not see a reason for the big hoo-haa, I have been making a ‘tinted moisturiser’ using foundation and face cream for as far back as I can remember. I also always used to mix self tanner with body lotion (Gradual self-tanner, anyone?) so I guess I should have patented these ‘inventions’ before they became a global phenomenon.

if you are blessed with flawless skin (side-eyes my ancestors and their not so perfect skin genes) then this is a perfect moisturiser/foundation for you. If, like me, your skin requires a bit more love (read concealer, foundation and powder) then all a BB cream will do is subtly tint your skin.

I started off using the Garnier version and in typical Kate fashion then went out and bought the Rimmel, Ponds and Revlon one. Garnier comes out top for price, consistency and coverage and Revlon comes in stone last with consistency and value for money – my tube only lasted a few weeks and I found the consistency to be very oily and unflattering.

Competing products

Cheapie – Garnier BB Cream RRP R69.95 (Available in light, medium and dark)

Budget – Revon BB Cream RRP R149 (Light, Light/Medium, Medium and Deep)

Splurge – Clinique BB Cream RRP R345 (Shades 1 – 3)

Revlon Photo Ready BB Cream
Revlon Photo Ready BB Cream
Garnier BB Cream
Garnier BB Cream
Clinique BB Cream
Clinique BB Cream

Tip and Tricks

If you are self conscious about going bare faced, but don’t require a full set of makeup then a BB Cream is perfect for just that. I apply it in the morning before gym or if dashing out to the shops. Look out for BB Creams containing an SPF. If you do require a bit more coverage then apply a BB cream and conceal where else is necessary.

Rupert Approves

As an online shopper I’m thrilled to announce that you can shop for Clinique Online. yay!

Happy Weekend 🙂

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