The Anti Makeup Review (The Most Rubbish Beauty Products In My Bag)

The Most Rubbish Beauty Products in my Bag

As a hoarder of all things cosmetic, I have taken it upon myself to save you money this year (you’re  very welcome) by helping you shop for things that aren’t shit. And trust me, with the way I purchase beauty products I have quite the list of beauty boo boos to share with you.

1. Any mascara from Maybelline that isn’t this one:

great lash

… And even then, one needs to have saintly patience before it really becomes good. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of ronds I have literally urinated away on purchasing glorified tubes of rubbish promising extra length, false look effect and 33% more volume. Dogs bollocks, all of them. The biggest culprit? This waste or R190 posing as a wand of mascara:

Maybelline_New_York_Volum__039__Express_Colossal_Smoky_Eyes_Mascara___Intense_Smoky_Black_10_7ml_1368009993

2. This face cream from Sorbet.

Is it a cream or an exfoliator? Because why in gods name would a face moisturiser contain microscopic grains of sand? Ladies, picture going to the beach, getting dunked by a wave and having sand land in your bikini top. Picture that sand rubbing against delicate nipples for hours on end. Unpleasant? Well that’s exactly what this cream from Satan feels like when applied to your face.


sorbet hydro skin

3. Essie Nail Polish

I’ve watched an episode of Friends that lasted longer than this crap. Plus, Essie is now stocked in Clicks. That’s when you know a product is officially one step away from being the water boy at a B game.

Essie

4. This cop-out of colour disguised as an eye shadow.

SHAME ON YOU CATRICE FOR EVEN ATTEMPTING TO LAUNCH SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I could get more colour out of a tin of baking soda. Not even wetting the brush and applying the dare-I-call-it-shadow like a paint makes a difference. Donate this one to a small child, or a dustbin closest to you.

Catrice eyeshadow

5. This smells-like-a-hookah shower gel

Disclaimer – it may be because I’m pregnant, but using this shower douche (and what a douch it is) pretty much smells like I’m washing my bits with strawberry hubbly bubbly tobacco.

Palmolive

 

6. Aussie Miracle Hair conditioner

What is a miracle? Walking on water? Actually finding that needle in a haystack? Because seriously, to name your product after an entire country (as well as an act of divine intervention) is really setting your standards, and my expectations very high. Plus, it’s sold at Clicks, and we all know what that means.

The only redeeming factor to this shameful excuse for a conditioner? It smells glorious. But so does bacon, and that’s also pretty rubbish when applied to your scalp.

aussie miracle

I’m stopping here. I don’t want to overwhelm you or make myself cry again.

If you were planning on buying any of the above items, stop it immediately and spend your money on something more wise, such as a water pistol, or electronic can opener.

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My January Must Haves

15 days into the year and we are all officially in the swing of things. Work is manic, schools are full and our roads are saturated with already-frustrated drivers.

One of the good things about a new year – apart from attempting almost impossible resolutions – is testing out new products and items. This January has seen me using, reading, watching, listening and doing some new things.

Here is my top 10 must haves of January 2014.

1. MAC Extreme Dimension Mascara

I love anything MAC and about 90% of my makeup kit consists of their products – their mascara however has always left little to be desired. Until this bad boy came along – it’s so effective (and trust me, when your eyelashes are sparser than a metro cop at a broken traffic light you need all the help you can get!) that people have asked me if I’m wearing extensions. It goes on clump free, its semi waterproof – I know this as I’ve had my fair share of meltdowns wearing it and the packaging is fab! Available for 215 ronds from Macs new online store .

Image

2. Burts Bees Lip Balm

OK, so this isn’t a new obsession. I have been endorsing and promoting Burts Bees for years – in fact it is the only lip balm I will use. Unfortunately it’s not available in SA yet – so if you happen to be traveling overseas… wink wink.

Image

3. Scanner Pro

I’m a bit of an app whore – I download everything and use noting. Until I came across the Scanner pro app for my iPad – and can’t stop using it. We are currently sitting without a printer at our office, and therefore getting documents to clients has been a nightmare. With this bad boy its a matter of using the camera function to scan, saving the document and emailing it. Honestly one of the most useful apps I have come across in ages.

4. Avicii – True

My love affair started with ‘Wake Me Up’ – it became my anthem for every moment in 2013. Currently I’m loving ‘Hey Brother’. If you enjoy a bit o’ country, you will enjoy this new offering from the band.

Image

5. Chef ‘N Veggie Chopper

This was one of those ‘filler’ items on our wedding registry and has now become a daily necessity during cooking time. I love it because it honestly does what it promises – chops and dices in a few blade rotations. Barry loves it because it mimics the motions of starting a lawn mower with its pulley cord. Friends – spoiler alert – you will all be getting one for your next birthday/wedding/batmitzvah or baby shower. You are welcome.

Chef n Chopper
Chef n Chopper

6. Property24.co.za

We were robbed …. again…. on Christmas last year. For us it was the final straw – why live in a security complex when security is clearly lacking? I now spend my free time browsing house porn on property24 and weighing up selling my body for extra cash or robbing a bank in order to afford it. There’s also a property24 app which handy for a techie like me.

Oh, look at ye house I can never afford
Oh, look at ye house I can never afford

7. Dexter

Never has murder been so attractive. We watched Series 1 through 7 in about 2 months towards the end of last year. To say we are obsessed is an understatement. I need Season 8, in my life, right now.

Nothing like a good cuppa kill to start your day
Nothing like a good cuppa kill to start your day

8. The Night Circus

I’ve just stared reading this book after rave reviews from everyone I’ve spoken to. I have no idea what happens or what its about. All I know is that I’m loving it. Also, magic.

The Night Circus
The Night Circus

9. Online Shopping

I swore to myself I would find a better work life balance in 2014. One of the things Im doing to help with that is try and do most of my shopping online. 3 of my faves? Mr Price (delivery in 24 hours) Pick n Pay and Yuppie Chef. Sorted.

10. Boschendal Blanc de Noir

The weather has been hotter a Pool Party in hell – so red wine most of the times is out of the question. White wine is niiiice but I’m currently loving the slightly off white blush from Boschendal. Ugly new packaging aside, its the perfect sun-downer drink. Cheers

Don't judge this bottle by its cover
Don’t judge this bottle by its cover
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Dare To Go Bare

Call me a cynic but I have read far too many magazines and beauty blogs promising a ‘natural’ look with 1 swipe of a concealer stick and a slick of lipgloss. Puh-lease. I work 12 hour days, stress runs in my family like an award winning athlete and my almost-30 face is definitely showing signs of failing. Also, I have a face that swallows makeup – and by that I mean I need a decent amount of product before it even looks like I haven’t rolled straight out of bed. If you are one of those fortunate-blessed-with-beautiful-skin-and-dark-features kinda gals, then you can go right on and ignore this post. If, however, like me you are interested in achieving a nude yet glam look, then this is for you.

I recently got my paws on some new products from Physicians Formula, Catrice, Palladio, MAC and The Body Shop all promising to deliver the ‘nude’ look.

Natural Nude Makeup
Natural Nude Makeup

The proof I have found is never in the packaging, but more in the application, so naturally (pun intended) I put a few of these bad boys to the test.

Physicians Formula – Powder Palette Pressed Powder – ‘Buff’

Physicians Formula - Powder Palette Pressed Powder - 'Buff'
Physicians Formula – Powder Palette Pressed Powder – ‘Buff’

I’m a fan of a mosaic pressed powder as it is a lot more forgiving when it comes to matching your skin tone accurately. I like the fact that this powder has zero fragrance and provides a good matte finish for at least 8 hours. This powder provides no coverage so always remember to apply a foundation (or at least a BB cream) as your base look.

The powder comes with a buffing sponge but I suggest applying it with a large bronzing or powder brush

Available from all Dischem Stores

Palladio – Herbal Mosaic Powder – ‘Sun Kissed’

Physicians Formula - Powder Palette Pressed Powder - 'Buff'
Physicians Formula – Powder Palette Pressed Powder – ‘Buff’

When it comes to ‘HAC’ (Highlighting and Contouring) its important to find a matt powder to avoid looking like you’ve been involved with some sexy time with a glitter ball. Highlighting and contouring – if done right – can be a face changer, literally!

I also use this darker powder as a replacement for bronzer.

Available at Dischem Stores. Price available on request

Catrice – Absolute Nude Eyeshadow Palette – ‘All Nude’

Catrice - Absolute Nude Eyeshadow Palette - 'All Nude'
Catrice – Absolute Nude Eyeshadow Palette – ‘All Nude’

Any one who loves makeup and who doesn’t live in the USA will have no doubt coveted this sinfully decadent looking Urban Decay eye shadow palette.

urban decay naked
urban decay naked

So… my excitement when stumbling across this from Catrice (looks uncannily familiar, right) was huge!

Sadly, the similarity stops at the packaging. The pigment is poor and the end result less than ‘wow’. I suggest giving this one a skip. (Just like I did my dream of ever owning the original, sigh)

MAC Cremesheen Glass – ‘Fashion Scoop’

MAC Cremesheen Glass - 'Fashion Scoop'
MAC Cremesheen Glass – ‘Fashion Scoop’

Whats not to love about MAC? I spotted this colour and thought I would give it a test as a possible wedding lip colour. The pigment is fairly soft – great for day time – but if you are looking for something more striking at night then I suggest layering it with a matt lipstick from MAC in a similar colour. Because honestly, who can ever have too many vanilla smelling delicious lipsticks from MAC, right?

Available from MAC stores countrywide

Remember – when going ‘nude’ – more is actually more. Never skimp on the mascara and make sure your features are defined. Natural does not mean eyebrows that look Rapunzels braid or eyes that look like Tilda Swinton in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

xxx

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Rupert Approves – Now Reviewing Makeup.

“Does this foundation make my face look fabulous?”

Many who know me know that one of my favourite things in life is cosmetics. My earliest memory of makeup was going to a toy-swop shop in Randburg as a young child. the concept of the store was that you could return a new or hardly used toy and earn points. Those points could then be used on a new toy or product from the store. At the tender age of about 5 I used my points for a kiddies makeup compact, complete with a garish assortment of eye shadow colours, bright pink blush and lipstick.

24 years later I still havent  tired of my childhood love of cosmetics and products. In fact, I could spend my last R100 on a lipstick or nail-polish instead of food or petrol. 

Some may find it bizarre that my collection now sits at several thousand items, and I’ve taken over an entire room with boxes of foundations, lipsticks, eyeliners, primers, glosses, polishes, creams and lotions. (Dont call BBC Lifestyle just yet, I’m not quite at ‘Hoarders’ status). My hobby also extends to hair and body care and my collection of straightening, curling, crimping and everything-in-between tools borders on embarrassing.

I’m fully aware of the irony of the situation, considering I spend most of my free time in gym clothes, and growing up on a farm my childhood attire was gumboots and a pudding bowl hair cut. Perhaps my inner glam girl has always had a yearning to come out, pouting in fuchsia pink.

I’ve decided I can no longer keep my love of beauty products a secret, and am thrilled to announce that I will now be adding a ‘Beauty Review’ section to Rupert Approves.

If there are any products out there that you would like me to try, need information on or just want to chat more about anything from MAC to Maybelline, and everything in-between – then I would love to hear from you!

‘Till then

Stay beautiful!

Red Lippy - Rupert Approves
Red Lippy – Rupert Approves

 

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