I Broke Your Heart Today.

Nobody ever actively sets out to hurt their child. Sure, things may happen while raising a kid that will hurt them, but nine times out of ten those thing are beyond your control. Crime, accidents, bumps and bruises. These are all things that – try as we may – we cant always prevent.

Today, I knowingly and actively went against every single good piece of parenting and broke my sons heart. Knowing full well what I was doing. And I’m feeling like a pretty un-spectacular human being because of it.

I’ve always been the first to tell you all that marriage is hard – having a kid is nothing compared to the daily work a relationship entails, and anyone who tells you it’s easy, is bullshitting you. It’s fucking hard.

Barry and I got into a fight. It started yesterday over something so silly and innocuous, but on day two had grown into such a large festering ball of anger, resentment and trudged-up-he-said-she-saids from 2011 that it finally imploded at 6 am this morning in a very ugly screaming match. I did and said things I wasn’t proud of (I’m hoping he feels the same) and short of airing all our dirty laundry, it escalated so badly that my poor little two-year-old who was sitting on the bed during the incident burst into tears and sobbingly cried and begged us to stop.

It broke me. And today I am a complete wreck, because I took away a little bit of innocence from my perfect, pure boy and showed just how ugly and mean humans can be. Worst of all, I brought him into a situation that he didn’t deserve to be in and I showed him his mommy and daddy acting like idiots.

I like to think that we removed him from the situation quite quickly, sorted our shit out (like we should have done in the first half an hour of the stupid fight) and that he will never ever remember this, but I do believe that I’ve done some damage to his sweet little soul. The way he sat on my lap hugging and kissing me afterwards hurt me inside until I felt bruised.

Growing up I barely remember my parents fighting. The only time I can recall is on an overseas holiday when I was about 12, and I vaguely recall my mother storming out the hotel room and my dad chasing her down the street. Does it make it easier or worse that we were seldom exposed to it – that I remember that one specific event? Is it normal for our kids to witness such ugliness, and if so, is it wrong?

All I know os that I cant wait to go home his evening and see my little dude, feel his little hands monkey themselves around my neck and to make sure he’s OK. I also want to tell him how very sorry I am for making him the adult in the situation, and for forcing him to watch a screaming match (that may or may not have involved a cup of coffee being hurled across the room).

We do the best we can, but yoh, sometimes the guilt just eats away at us.

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Married.

It’s our wedding anniversary today. 2 years. 63,072,000 seconds. 1,051,200 minutes.17,520 hours. 730 days. 104 weeks and 2 days.

In that time we have moved house, moved jobs, fallen pregnant, had a baby, had the worst fights of our lives and subsequently the happiest moments.

Marriage is hard. It’s a daily reminder that you have to work for the things you cherish the most, and that the results are more rewarding than money or gold.

Happy Anniversary to my husband. The man who loves me the most in the world. I love you back. Thank you for giving me our perfect child, constant support (and advice when I don’t actually want it) and for believing in me every step of the way.

Here’s to the next 2 years, and many more after.

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The Top 14 of 2014

As is blog tradition with Rupert Approves, at the end of each year I like to recap the highlights for the past 365 days. As is also tradition, I tend to do this at the 11th hour in a flat panic.

Here goes:

1. I turned 30. And even though the actual birthday and celebrations around it were average (note to self – LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS) turning 30 hasn’t been as scary as they say. In fact, it’s been downright lovely.

2. My friendship groups solidified. The good ones grew better and the not so good ones… Well, they are non existent. Life’s to short to waste your fun on less than amazing people.

3. We celebrated 1 year of marriage. The first year was bloody tough. We did it. Yay us!

4. We bit the bullet and bought our dream home. Things have been progressing slowly from there but progressing nonetheless. I fall more in love with my space and garden each day

5. Work is good. No dramatic news in the office space, but to be happy and fulfilled in a place where you spend 40% of your life is an achievement in itself.

6. My family stayed healthy and happy for the majority if the year. The older one gets, the bigger this blessing becomes

7. We took a holiday for the first time in over a year and spent 8 brilliant days in Port Alfred. Sea, sun and (virgin) cocktails were just what the doctor ordered.

8. I bought s new car. Traded in my fuel guzzling out of warranty SUV and got a smaller zippier runaround that I love driving each and every day.

9. I ate my first ever chocolate brownie and fell.in.love.

10. I learnt to control my anxiety and went from A type to A minus type. Baby steps, but I’m getting there. I can now leave the office at 5 pm without a shred of guilt and am learning to make more time for me. See, age does have its perks.

11. I had a great year of blogging. Still not where I want to be, but I’m constant,y delighted with the feedback and messages I receive from people around the world – people who have laughed, cried and celebrated with me on this very open and honest journey.

12. My dog babies get more wonderful as the days go by. As I lie in bed typing this (sipping on a Christmas edition chocolate mint Nespresso – can that be considered a bonus point 15?) they are lying with me, intertwined in my legs. Ones snoring, one farting with enough power to destroy a small country, and both filling my heart with the most insane amount of love.

13. I ran my longest ever trail race with one of my closest friends, and absolutely loved it. It was a reminder of just how much trail running has become my number 1 exercise love. As soon as this baby is out I’m going to take it up again. Which leads me to my final point…

14. I fell pregnant. One of the most insane, scary and exciting things that has ever happened to me. I am so lucky to have had the worlds easiest pregnancy, and apart from the fuck me scale reading and the occasional constant craving for wine, I have been so blessed. In 5 months we meet our baby boy and I couldn’t be more excited.

How was your year? If it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, then there’s a whole new one waiting for you in less than 24 hours time.

Wherever you are, make it a good one. Be safe, be happy and be good to yourself.

Thank you for all your support on Rupert Approves over the past year – you guys warm my heart more than a toasted sandwich, and that’s a lot!

Xxx

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The Happiest Day Of My Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know, I know. We got married months ago and I am only now sharing some pics from the Best Day Ever. Also – these photo’s seem to have loaded from back to front so you will be taking a bit of an obscure trip through the journey – but that just adds to the excitemenet, no?

09.11.13 – Truly, the most amazing day in the world.

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Our great friend Don Packett made the best MC, ever.

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Possibly one of my favourite things from the day – our personalized Rupert and Bella cake-toppers made by our friend Maureen. The cake was 3 layers of delicious stinky smelly soft cheese. We served this as canapes with the pre-dinner/photo hour cocktails.

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Handmade magnet name tags – in shapes of birds and hearts

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A sweetie bar for ‘Padkos’

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I still think someone won the lotto and are just to cheap to tell us 😉

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I just loved doing these – and I have a feeling the trend may pick up (remember, you saw it here first). Personalized place-mats for everyone – created by me, designed by Kim.

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Running up and down the WITS stairs with balloons – not something you can say you do everyday

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Good Looking Bridal Party, eh?

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My favourite photo of the day

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3 generations: Granny, Mom, Me, Oma

 

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My gorgeous friend Ilona was our witness for the signing of the marriage certificate. 

 

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We decided on a Unity Candle for out 2 moms to light and pass on to us

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Double chin = Happy.

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Entering the Chapel was terrifying. All I remember was Amy saying to me “Act like an iPhone, look around and take as many screengrabs as you can. Smile at everyone”. I was so busy doing that, that it was only at the end I realised I had completely forgotten to look for Barry!

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I love this photo of Barry and his best man Chris

 

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Dad, Who’s Wedding is it Anyway?

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Wedding Shoes when marrying a shorty have to be flats. Added bonus – they are so comfortable!

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We all got ready at my folks house – which was a lot more relaxing than a hotel. Plus my dad rather enjoyed Moet with the maids. 

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Being a Groom is thirsty work.

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Suppliers Details (cos, they were awesome!)

Dress: De La Vida

Groom and Bestmen suit: Khaliques

Makeup: Candi Makeup

Hair: Next hair

Flowers: The White List

Design: Kim Banks

Decor: Mostly DIY and White List

Venue: Olives and Plates and WITS University

Photographer: Laura Jane

 

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12 Things I’ve Learnt About Planning A Wedding

Yesterday marked 5 months until our wedding, which means we have officially been engaged longer than the amount of time left until we say ‘I Do’.

Planning this wedding has been relatively stress free, give or take a few hurdles, and I wanted to share the 12 things I have learnt.

1. Enjoy it – I got engaged and was immediately told by an ex-manager that there would be ‘no wedding planning or talk in the office’. That completely broke me and I found myself avoiding the topic and ignoring the experience all together.

2. Involve your grooms parents – I am very non-traditional when it comes to who wants to get involved and believe that both moms should play an equal part, after all it’s just as much her child’s day as it is mine.

3. Don’t mention the ‘W’ word – Suppliers have literally doubled a quote upon finding out it was for a wedding. That being said, some suppliers do need to know as they will be there setting up on the day. If you can avoid letting someone know (retinue outfits and gifts, non-traditional cake toppers and accommodation/honeymoon) then do so.

4. Don’t expect too much – Sadly, the first few months of wedding planning felt more like a business transaction. Venues treated us like a cash injection and suppliers were more interested in our money than our vision. 

That being said…

5. Work with suppliers you love – I bought my dress from a boutique who treated me like a princess from the second I walked in the door (even though I was hanging like a fruit bat and not wearing any makeup). My flower and decor ladies Carey-Anne and Donna from The White List have gone over and above, meeting me after hours (with wine!) and have used their resources to ensure my end vision is achieved. My photographer, Laura Jane, is a gem and every time I see a blog post with her latest images I get goosebumps. 

6. Don’t be bullied – at the end of the day it is your wedding. If you mom/gran/mom-in-law or friend insists on a sage green paper for the wedding invite because its just ‘soo dreamy’ you need to Learn.To.Say.No. Appreciate any monetary contributions towards your day, but remember that the decision in most cases should always come down to you and your hubby to be.

7. Accept help – I’m still battling with this one as I hate inconveniencing people, but if someone does offer assistance, grab it with both hands.

8. Shit is gonna hit the proverbial fan – We lost our venue a few months ago and I thought this wedding was never going to happen. Turns out the new venue is even better than the first and I cant wait to get marred there. Often, these things happen for a reason.

10. DIY is King –  What’s the biggest joke at a wedding? The Budget. Weddings, my friends, cost a fortune. If there is anything you can make by yourself, or get a friend to make, then do it. We are so blessed to have a friend Kim who has designed all our wedding stationery – she has saved us money, time and made the experience a more personal one. Plus she’s bloody talented and just ‘gets me’.(Blatant flattery and bribery, Kim ;))

11. You will change your mind – Growing up most people dream about their big day and envision the dress, the decor and the groom. I had a very set idea in mind. Then I started planning, and everything changed. Be open minded about trying on different dress styles, looking at different venues and opening your mind up to alternative ideas.

12. It’s too soon to panic – No, really. You can only control the controllable. When in panic mode I suggest a 3 step process:

– Pour a glass of wine

– Phone a friend

– Pour another glass of wine

Here’s to the next 5 months of planning and enjoying every minute!

I would love to hear your feedback on your own wedding planning too and any advice you have for me 🙂

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Could this be the happiest wedding in the world?

“If I ever got married, I would have a spit braai on the lawn.” This is what our friend Khali said to me several years ago during a lunch with friends.

You see, Khali is a wedding planner/creator/memory maker extraordinaire. Her work is well known throughout the industry and as founder of the South African School of Weddings and The Wedding Specialist, the pressure to perform when her big day came, must have been immense.

Well her time did come, and the wedding was everything and nothing we expected.

The entire event from start to finish was a surprise. Not even the bridesmaids or groomsmen knew where it was or what it would entail, and try as we did we couldn’t even get Khali to disclose on the secret location.

The guests were all instructed to arrive at her offices at 11 am. There we were greeted by traditional drummers, packets of padkos and an entire team of SA School of Wedding staff on standby. A while later all the guests boarded traditional taxis, complete with tin can runners, and set off to our mystery destination. We heard rumblings of ‘Soweto’ and ‘Rooftop’ but not even Khalis assistant would let any clue slip.

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I’m sure the line of 20 minibus taxis filled with formally dressed wedding guests must have been a helluva sight!

We eventually arrived at the destination. A school field in the middle of Westcliff. Interesting, I thought. And interesting it was. The field had been transformed into a colorful wonderland, complete with white marquee, a reception area overlooking the city of Jozi, a coffee bar, gelato bar, sweetie bar, cocktail bar and the world largest cheesecake. The use of every single color was so refreshing as was the chic french style music and the multiple surprises throughout the day (picture ‘waiters breaking out into operatic song and a cake the size of a small car).

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This may have just been the happiest wedding I have ever seen. If the start of their life together was this bright, I can only imagine what’s to come.

And in case you’re wondering – they served lamb on the spit. On the lawn. But in true Khali 6 star style.

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The Guilty Bride Syndrome

I’m a guilty person by nature. I feel bad about everything!! Bump into me with your shopping trolley, and I will apologise profusely. Look at me and whisper to your companion and I assume you are judging my entire being. (Back fat, food in teeth and split ends included). Last week my car was keyed for no reason and I berated myself for days, wondering what I could have done to deserve it. Turns out it was a common occurrence in that specific parking lot, and I happened to be an unfortunate target. I had done nothing wrong, yet I assumed I had. I’m that person who smiles sheepishly at a waiter when the table next to me shouts from bad service, and then tips them extra when the payer isn’t watching

In November I got engaged. Cue happy tears, laughter, too many Facebook congratulations to count and a general feeling of euphoria. Which lasted for 48 hours. Within days of bouncing back to reality I had been told how awful wedding planning was by friends and acquaintances, told to keep everything wedding related to my private life by certain work people and treated like yet another cash injection by everyone ranging from venues to photographers and in everyone inbetween.

Because of this, 3 months later I have been too afraid to even start getting excited about my big day. When people kindly mention it I joke how I would rather elope. When someone shows an interest, I brush them off and say ‘oh gosh, it’s ages away, lets talk about you’ and when I realise that weddings are indeed a business and things get booked, fast, I tell myself there are a hundred other more imprtant things to focus on than A WEDDING.

Just yesterday I was talking to colleagues, (indulging in a few minutes respite from my desk during their smoke break. Amongst these trusted colleagues I brought up the taboo issue of my nuptials, mentioning the exorbitant price of the venue and all the homemade and DIY things I wanted to do to offset that. One of them (colleagues) mentioned – but that’s what your bridesmaids are for! Never! I exclaimed, having been a bridesmaid more times than I can recall – I would never ask them to get involved this early on. Then I clicked – why is it that I would put more hours and effort into my friends wedding than my own? Why do I feel guilty about wanting to plan a day which is all about me? I feel guilty about the attention, I feel guilty about people making me feel special for a change and I feel guilty that this event has sucked me in, and captured my attention.

I shouldn’t feel bad about wanting a beautiful day, a day filled with things I have planned, created and imagined. A day when Barry and I are surrounded by the best people in our lives. I’m a smart, grownup woman, capable of many things, multi tasking included. I can manage time better than Big Ben and even the ‘W’ word won’t turn me into a dithering wreck. This will be my day, and going forward I vow (pun intended) to ensure that when I smile at an idea or spot a dress I love, I won’t hate myself for not focusing on what other people want me to, but rather enjoy the experience. I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, right?

Brides, fiancées and just those dreaming of your big day – I would love to hear your feedback on your experiences and emotions during this time of your lives.

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The top 12, of 2012, on 12.12.12

Just in case you’ve been hiding under a rock – today is 12/12/12 and the next time we have such a matchy-matchy date we will all be dead.

This date also means we are 12 days away from Christmas and 19 days away from 2013. So, I thought this was as good a time as any to recap on the year that was, and summarise 12 big things (some good, some bad) that happened in my year.

1) I ran and finished my first Two Oceans Half marathon

2) Two of my best friends got married

3) My blog made a profit! (Yay)

4) My brother got engaged

5) I got engaged

6) We lost a vibrant friend

7) I took part in, and finished, my first 94.7 cycle challenge

8) I took part in, and finished my first Triathlon

9) We got Bella AKA ‘Pig’ our second addition to the furmily. (Who subsequently got bitten by a puffadder, put us through weeks of stress and sadness and has pulled through like a champ!)

10) I lost a dear, kind, wonderful Uncle

11) My Fiance ran and completed his first Comrades (in under 9 hours let me tell you!)

12) I made some fabulous new friends, and removed some not so fabulous ones from my life

What were the highlights, and lowlights of your 2012?

Welcoming Bella!
Welcoming Bella!
Amy's Wedding Day
Amy’s Wedding Day
Lauren Packett
Lauren Packett
Brother and Future Sister-In-Law
Brother and Future Sister-In-Law
The crazy, wonderful people in my life
The crazy, wonderful people in my life
Two Oceans Marathon
Two Oceans Marathon
Bella in Hospital with a snake bite
Bella in Hospital with a snake bite
Barry @ Comrades Marathon
Barry @ Comrades Marathon

 

 

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