The Anti Makeup Review (The Most Rubbish Beauty Products In My Bag)

The Most Rubbish Beauty Products in my Bag

As a hoarder of all things cosmetic, I have taken it upon myself to save you money this year (you’re  very welcome) by helping you shop for things that aren’t shit. And trust me, with the way I purchase beauty products I have quite the list of beauty boo boos to share with you.

1. Any mascara from Maybelline that isn’t this one:

great lash

… And even then, one needs to have saintly patience before it really becomes good. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of ronds I have literally urinated away on purchasing glorified tubes of rubbish promising extra length, false look effect and 33% more volume. Dogs bollocks, all of them. The biggest culprit? This waste or R190 posing as a wand of mascara:


2. This face cream from Sorbet.

Is it a cream or an exfoliator? Because why in gods name would a face moisturiser contain microscopic grains of sand? Ladies, picture going to the beach, getting dunked by a wave and having sand land in your bikini top. Picture that sand rubbing against delicate nipples for hours on end. Unpleasant? Well that’s exactly what this cream from Satan feels like when applied to your face.

sorbet hydro skin

3. Essie Nail Polish

I’ve watched an episode of Friends that lasted longer than this crap. Plus, Essie is now stocked in Clicks. That’s when you know a product is officially one step away from being the water boy at a B game.


4. This cop-out of colour disguised as an eye shadow.

SHAME ON YOU CATRICE FOR EVEN ATTEMPTING TO LAUNCH SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I could get more colour out of a tin of baking soda. Not even wetting the brush and applying the dare-I-call-it-shadow like a paint makes a difference. Donate this one to a small child, or a dustbin closest to you.

Catrice eyeshadow

5. This smells-like-a-hookah shower gel

Disclaimer – it may be because I’m pregnant, but using this shower douche (and what a douch it is) pretty much smells like I’m washing my bits with strawberry hubbly bubbly tobacco.



6. Aussie Miracle Hair conditioner

What is a miracle? Walking on water? Actually finding that needle in a haystack? Because seriously, to name your product after an entire country (as well as an act of divine intervention) is really setting your standards, and my expectations very high. Plus, it’s sold at Clicks, and we all know what that means.

The only redeeming factor to this shameful excuse for a conditioner? It smells glorious. But so does bacon, and that’s also pretty rubbish when applied to your scalp.

aussie miracle

I’m stopping here. I don’t want to overwhelm you or make myself cry again.

If you were planning on buying any of the above items, stop it immediately and spend your money on something more wise, such as a water pistol, or electronic can opener.

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Dare To Go Bare

Call me a cynic but I have read far too many magazines and beauty blogs promising a ‘natural’ look with 1 swipe of a concealer stick and a slick of lipgloss. Puh-lease. I work 12 hour days, stress runs in my family like an award winning athlete and my almost-30 face is definitely showing signs of failing. Also, I have a face that swallows makeup – and by that I mean I need a decent amount of product before it even looks like I haven’t rolled straight out of bed. If you are one of those fortunate-blessed-with-beautiful-skin-and-dark-features kinda gals, then you can go right on and ignore this post. If, however, like me you are interested in achieving a nude yet glam look, then this is for you.

I recently got my paws on some new products from Physicians Formula, Catrice, Palladio, MAC and The Body Shop all promising to deliver the ‘nude’ look.

Natural Nude Makeup
Natural Nude Makeup

The proof I have found is never in the packaging, but more in the application, so naturally (pun intended) I put a few of these bad boys to the test.

Physicians Formula – Powder Palette Pressed Powder – ‘Buff’

Physicians Formula - Powder Palette Pressed Powder - 'Buff'
Physicians Formula – Powder Palette Pressed Powder – ‘Buff’

I’m a fan of a mosaic pressed powder as it is a lot more forgiving when it comes to matching your skin tone accurately. I like the fact that this powder has zero fragrance and provides a good matte finish for at least 8 hours. This powder provides no coverage so always remember to apply a foundation (or at least a BB cream) as your base look.

The powder comes with a buffing sponge but I suggest applying it with a large bronzing or powder brush

Available from all Dischem Stores

Palladio – Herbal Mosaic Powder – ‘Sun Kissed’

Physicians Formula - Powder Palette Pressed Powder - 'Buff'
Physicians Formula – Powder Palette Pressed Powder – ‘Buff’

When it comes to ‘HAC’ (Highlighting and Contouring) its important to find a matt powder to avoid looking like you’ve been involved with some sexy time with a glitter ball. Highlighting and contouring – if done right – can be a face changer, literally!

I also use this darker powder as a replacement for bronzer.

Available at Dischem Stores. Price available on request

Catrice – Absolute Nude Eyeshadow Palette – ‘All Nude’

Catrice - Absolute Nude Eyeshadow Palette - 'All Nude'
Catrice – Absolute Nude Eyeshadow Palette – ‘All Nude’

Any one who loves makeup and who doesn’t live in the USA will have no doubt coveted this sinfully decadent looking Urban Decay eye shadow palette.

urban decay naked
urban decay naked

So… my excitement when stumbling across this from Catrice (looks uncannily familiar, right) was huge!

Sadly, the similarity stops at the packaging. The pigment is poor and the end result less than ‘wow’. I suggest giving this one a skip. (Just like I did my dream of ever owning the original, sigh)

MAC Cremesheen Glass – ‘Fashion Scoop’

MAC Cremesheen Glass - 'Fashion Scoop'
MAC Cremesheen Glass – ‘Fashion Scoop’

Whats not to love about MAC? I spotted this colour and thought I would give it a test as a possible wedding lip colour. The pigment is fairly soft – great for day time – but if you are looking for something more striking at night then I suggest layering it with a matt lipstick from MAC in a similar colour. Because honestly, who can ever have too many vanilla smelling delicious lipsticks from MAC, right?

Available from MAC stores countrywide

Remember – when going ‘nude’ – more is actually more. Never skimp on the mascara and make sure your features are defined. Natural does not mean eyebrows that look Rapunzels braid or eyes that look like Tilda Swinton in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.


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Found: The Perfect Nude Lipstick

If you are anything like me then you cant visit your local Clicks or Dis-Chem and not walk away with a little treat for yourself. I generally pop in for a shampoo and walk out with 2 bags of products that I really dont need.

My go to item for a quick and affordable pick me up is always a lipstick or nail polish and so it is not surprising that I have made it a personal challenge to find the best lippie in every shade out there.

And now, I think I just may have succeeded in fnding the best suits-everyone nude lipstick out there, and I wanted to share it with you in this post.

Catrice Cosmetics

You will be forgiven if you don’t immediately recognise the name, as Catrice is relatively new on the scene and (I stand corrected) can only be found at certain Dis-Chem stores. At time of publishing this post they don’t yet have a presence on social media locally, but they can be found and followed on their international website, Facebook and Twitter pages. Thank goodness for Google translate!

About The Product

Catrice Ultimate Colour in 240 ‘Hey Nude’ has got to be the best lipstick I have found in a while. The packaging is black, sexy and sleek and the lipstick itself is soft, buttery and glides on perfectly. The colour is nude with a touch of pink, which is flattering for most complexions. The lipstick has a very subtle fragrance which is preferable, considering it will need to be applied throughout the day and often a strong fragrance can become too overpowering.

There are multiple colours in this range, and the lipstick is priced at R54.95 (RRP). Good news for us office-bound ladies is that Dis-Chem now has an online store, so you can have your favourite product delivered to your doorstep.

Catrice Hey Nude
Catrice Hey Nude
Catrice Hey Nude
Catrice Hey Nude

Competing Products

Cheapie – Essence 52 “In The Nude’ RRP R29.99

Budget – Catrice 240 “Hey Jude” RRP R54.95

Splurge – MAC CremeSheen Creme’D Nude RRP R180 – R240

Rupert Approves

Packaging – 9/10

Budget Babe – 10/10

Wearability – 5/10

Tips and Tricks

The golden rule for a nude lip is a smokey eye – this lipstick will go perfectly with dramatic eyes, fat lashes and flawless skin. Wear this nude lipstick with a black lace cocktail dress, stylish up do and a pair of nude stilettos, or dress it down with a messy fishtail braid and maxi dress.

To improve the longevity of this lipstick on your lips apply a pressed powder before application or consider using a nude lip pencil.

‘Till Next time!

Stay gorgeous


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