I Hate Being Fat.

 

Its 36 degrees in Joburg, and I’ve just declined another swim. I’ll sit on the edge of the pool and joke about how “nobody wants to see a whale in their water”, and that “no costume in the world is big enough for this arse”, but I’m sweating while I joke, because it’s fucking 36 degrees outside, and I really want to swim. More than that, I really want to not be fat anymore.

Pregnancy, as easy as you were, you were exceptionally hard on me in one way. My body. I have never felt this out of sorts, this alien and this uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I’ve lost a kilogram of baby weight, in fact, I feel like in the last 8 months I’ve simply gained and gained. I hate being fat. I hate it so much that I’ve decided, come what may, I will lose 10 kilograms by 1 May. I will be back to my pre baby self for my child’s first birthday.

In order to stick to my new plan, I need to be accountable, and I need to grow a set of lady balls and actually have the willpower to push through what is possibly going to be a very tough 4 months. So, with a 10 kilo goal in mind, what better way to remind myself of why I’m doing this, with 10 reasons why I hate being fat.

  1. When I make a joke about being overweight and people respond with ‘I see’ or an awkward ‘Ya…’. That’s when you know. You know you’re big when people don’t even pretend to be kind in their replies. A new colleague said to me the other day “You were thin? I suppose I’ve only known you this size’. Ouch. I hated that.
  2. I don’t fit into anything from before I had a baby. My gorgeous skinny pants, slinky vests, blazers and even bras have been chucked to the back of the closet. Replacing them are the size 12 jeans I bought on a 2 for 1 sale at Edgars, loose shirts, leggings and sports bras with added stretch. Not being able to wear anything that makes me look and feel good? I hate that.
  3. The way people look at me – people closest to me, like certain family members. I feel their eyes on me whenever I take a bite of food or when I put on another pair of too tight pants. I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the guilt, I hate the shame. I hate feeling like I’m being judged for having the body I do. I hate that.
  4. The sweat. I am always sweating. Being overweight means boob sweat, head sweat and feet sweat. It’s gross. I hate it.
  5. I don’t feel like I get taken seriously in the work place. Silly hey? But still, I hate that.
  6. I don’t feel like socializing, seeing people or going out. I no longer want to be the person sitting under the umbrella while everyone else swims or the one in the long maternity style maxi dress when everyone’s lying in a bikini. I hate that.
  7. The way I feel at the gym. Physically I’m still gloriously strong, and I train 3 days a week. I can smash a spinning class, I’m building up my running resistance and I can probably lap most people in the pool. But the way I feel people looking at me in the gym? Like the token plump girl? I hate that.
  8. Shopping. I love clothes, and fashion. I love beautiful things. I’m tired of buying gorgeous garments for ‘when I’ve lost the weight’ I want to wear them now. The fact that I have items with their tags still on, and clothes from pre-baby tucked away at the back of the closet, because I’m simply too fat to wear them? I hate that.
  9. As if having a baby and a full time demanding career weren’t stressful enough on my marriage – try throw in body shame and self hate. I really don’t want to feel un-sexier than I do now. Changing in a locked bathroom so my husband cant see? I hate that.
  10. Other moms who lost the baby weight. Especially those who did it from ‘breast feeding’ or the ones who did nothing at all (the weight just “fell off” and then apparently on to me) I hate you. And I hate the fact that I hate you which means I hate me even more. I hate it. (Side note, there are a few ladies on Twitter who have spoken me off a cliff more than once, and helped my confidence so much – I hope you know just how lovely your kind words are, and just how much they’ve meant to me).

There it is. The raw brutal honest truth. It’s out there on the Interwebs now, which means I’m accountable to me, and all of you. Please help me in this journey, and if possible share your own stories of postpartum plumpness. I promise I’ll be nice to you even if you were one of the ‘lost the weight straight away’ ones 😉 – hell, maybe you can even share some weight loss secrets with me.

In the spirit of starting fresh, of turning over a new leaf, and learning to love who I am. Happy New Year. Here’s to having the body of a (20)16 year old!

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May 2015. The day before I gave birth.

 

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June 201. Fat. Uncomfortable in my own skin. This is one of the few photos I have of me and my child where Im fully exposed. I’ve become a pro at snapping pics of him with anyone but me, and when I am in the photo I manage to hide my body.
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November 2013. I’ve been happy with my body once. I just need to get back there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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35 Comments

  1. This was me early last year. I felt horrible. This year I paraded around in my costume and felt confident and happy 🙂 You can do it too – you just need to be ready to make the changes!

    1. Kate, reading this blog actually brought tears to my eyes. The reason being that I know exactly how you feel, the only difference is that I haven’t even had a baby. It’s such a hard thing trying to do everything and feel good about yourself. You can do it! There are so many women behind you egging you on. Good luck on this journey!

  2. God. Me too. I feel disgusting, and I don’t even have a baby to show for it. (Does a food baby count?)

    I’m getting to the point where I’m just going to be a hermit.

    So, I feel your pain. Believe me. This is the year I find an exercise I enjoy (besides running. You don’t lose weight running) and stop eating all the things. It has to be.

    1. Someone said to me the other day “Its about finding an exercise that works for you – it’s all trial and error”. I too love running but it does sweet bugger all for my weight too. Perhaps a mix of cardio/weights? I’m starting Crossfit in Jukskei Park this week – SUPER close to you…. why not join me? 🙂

  3. I’ve been a size 12 for years, even with all the running it’s made little difference. Maybe one day I’ll get into a size 10, but highly unlikely now at my age.
    Hope you find your solution.
    But my main point in this comment… irrespective of how you feel about your body, your child loves you always, so please take photos with him, for him. It’s important. You don’t have to share them, but for you and for him, they’re gold.

  4. Oh friend, I feel your pain all too well. And the good news for you is that you are almost 4 years ahead of me! I was always tiny and parading around in a bikini – in my first pregnancy I gained 22kgs!!! I lost 2kgs in hospital (even with a 3.5kg baby!!) I was only 13kgs down 2 years later when I fell pregnant again – I gained 10kgs in that pregnancy (bu doing nothing differently!) and now I still have 8kgs to lose (18 months later!!)

    Pregnancy, babies, breastfeeding, eating well and keeping uptake exercise with sleep deprivation is tough and not for sissies!! I have all the hate feelings that you have – and it sucks, especially in Summer.

    I made myself a promise on 1st January – I have cut out sugar and processed food and drinks and I’m starting the Kayla Itsines BBG programme next week and I am going to lose these last 8kgs (5kgs by our Mauritius trip at the end of March!) We want a third child but I cannot be overweight before falling pregnant again!!

    I am always here to chat and help you out!! Good luck lovely x

    1. Mauritius is a BRILLIANT motivator – sounds like you’ve taken the first big step and BBG works insanely well (I was doing it before I fell pregnant). Remember – you need to do it for you, and the best time to start is today. i would love to hear about your progress and see pics of you flaunting that ricking bod in a bikini in March. thanks for the love, and good luck!! x

  5. I feel your pain. This is me right now too! I don’t even fit in the jeans that were way too big for me before pregnancy! So motivated to lose the weight! I’m going to give banting a go again, it worked wonders for my hubby last year – he lost 18kg!

  6. You can do it Kate! Being comfortable with your body (whatever that size is for each individual) is the most essential part of being confident. As a former obese person, I related to everything you’ve said above, but I can tell you what I learned to? Being treated differently when I was fat… it had WAY more to do with my own self confidence than the way others were actually treating me. As a confident and strong, slimmer version of myself, I operate differently in the world and as a result, i get treated differently to and dammit, I like it! You go girl! You’ve got this!

    1. That’s so interesting – I suppose if we feel kak about ourselves, then we project that feeling out to the universe and expect people to treat us the same. Ive followed your LCHF journey with awe, and although I cant follow that plan (vegetarian so not enough animal fats) I am so inspired by you – especially as a busy mom of 2! thanks for the blog love, and Im going to draw on your words and success whenebver I start falling x

  7. You and me are on this journey together! Every word resonated with me and I hate being fat. Being a person who has never really struggled with weight and now dealing with all these excess kilo’s clinging to me… I am miserable. A family beach holiday just about destroyed me, but I am ready to shed the load and get back to my former self. 10 kg’s is also my goal, so let’s focus and do this together! We are worth it!

    1. YES! The more people who can do this together and support each other, the better! The only thing standing between us and our goal is ourselves – I support you all the way! Please do keep me updated on your progress 9I really think I should start a Whatsapp group for all of us looking to do this, would be amazing to have that constant support!)

  8. My little girl was born about two weeks post your little boy and I too have not lost any baby weight since her birth.
    Weight has been an issue for me even before pregnancy and it was one of my fears that if baby comes along, that I would go back to what I was before all the diets and hard work. So about 10kgs over my ideal weight I am yet again facing needing to cut out alcohol and carbs and all the things I’ve enjoyed eating the last while. But like you, it’s about being a happy mom to an already happy baby, so it’s important to focus on it.
    A good friend of mine had two girls and she said it took her a good 2 years to get her body back, so we have to understand and be realistic about the fact that even with hard work, things may not happen as fast as we’d like. Our bodies changed, hormones have and still are affecting us, so killing ourselves over extra weight may just result in popping pills to combat post-natal depression (something I suspect we all struggle with) instead of enjoying being a mom.
    I am fortunate that my husband is still very much attracted to me and in this crazy hot Jozi weather, a skinny dip before bed time is a lot of fun. So I would like to encourage you to bear it all to the man that knows and loves you best. His support on this journey back to the old you, is so key.
    Remember that you are still beautiful, smart, funny and worthy of what you have achieved in life. You are in fact all of that AND a mom AND you make those of us who feel alone in this at times, feel understood and able to laugh about it to ourselves.

    PS. Instead of making weight loss my primary goal, I decided that my time was what is most precious. So I’ve uninstalled Facebook from my phone! Here’s to real conversations with real people and being more in the moment than somewhere else!

  9. I too hate being fat and have decided that 2016 is my weight-loss year! Your story sounds exactly like mine…I had a baby in January 2015 and have also not lost any of the weight despite exercising, eating well and drinking loads of water. At the end of last year I went to see a GP in Bryanston who specializes in weight-loss and hormone treatment (let me know if you want his name). He did a whole slew of blood and hormone tests to figure out what is going on in my body and I am going back to him tomorrow for the results and for him to start me on my weight-loss journey which will consist of an eating plan, hormone treatment and prescription weight-loss tablets to kick me off. I am going to do this in conjunction with BBG 🙂

    1. Hi Michon – I would love his name please! And please do let ,e know what he comes back with and if you feel it was worthwhile and beneficial. Good luck – you’ve got this!

      1. His name is Dr Scheepers and his number is 011 706 6800…he’s based on Homestead! I’ll let you know how it goes 😃

        1. You’re the 2nd person to tell me about him – I used to work in that office park actually! Thanks for the info – I’ll await your feedback before I make contact 🙂

      2. So Dr Scheepers is officially BRILLIANT!!! My hormone test results came back and they are completely imbalanced, my body is not retaining any iron (which contributes to me being tired all the time) and my insulin levels are high and I am at risk of developing insulin resistance if I don’t do something about my weight. He has got me on progesterone to regulate my hormones, diuretics to get rid of the water that the progesterone is going to store, iron tablets, really strong appetite suppressants which also give me bucket load of energy and seem to be helping with concentration, fat burners, and cellulite reduction tablets, as well as an eating and exercise plan…he says I should be losing a minimum of 4kgs a month! I would highly recommend paying him a visit just to help kick start your weight-loss journey 🙂 Please also add me to the whatsapp group – 0825642215!

  10. I really know what you are going though…I feel like I could have written this post. I feel exactly the same! I’ve just come back from a lovely holiday, where we were situated just steps away from a stunning beach. This was my baby’s first time at the beach. I barely swam, although I wanted to, I felt sweaty and gross and I hated all the pics of myself (even special ones with my baba that I wanted to cherish). I don’t know why, but I’ve continued to put on weight after I had my baby. I think I weigh more now than when I was full term pregnant and my baba is almost 6 months now :/ wishing you the best of luck…you can do it! I’m trying too. We can do it!

    1. This is exactly it! I am so relieved there are others who are going through the same thing – you are not alone and with enough will power we can change this. Good luck and please let me know how you go? X

    2. Hi Michon, I would like to go to Dr Scheepers – hoping that you can post a follow up – did his plan etc work for you long term ? Was the process very expensive ?

  11. Hun, 1st question. Are you still breastfeeding? If so, there are some bloody cursed women out there that actually gain weight while breastfeeding. My mom was one of them and so was I. Honestly, I only lost weight once I stopped breastfeeding. Not saying stop breastfeeding, def not. But it might explain a lot.
    Next statement- at my baby girl’s 1st birthday, I weighed like 6kgs less than my birth weight. I took one pic of her and me. I hate it.
    So, don’t beat yourself up about it!!! It took 9 months to get “fat” and it sure as heck takes time to get “un-fat” again.
    As for those perfect women that looked great after birth, ignore them. You have a wonderful baby boy and he is simply gorgeous! And swim darnit! Its too hot to care!! Lol

    1. Hi Chantel – I stopped breastfeeding at 3 months (I never lost anything while breastfeeding either!). I hear you on the 9 months on, 9 months off…unfortunately he’s already 8 months which means I have 1 month left!
      Thanks for the message and support though – Here’s to more swims and less shits given! x

  12. I hear you completely… I had that 3 years ago (nearly said a year/2 ago, but I’m still writing 2015, crossing out or changing it into a 6) and I couldn’t handle feeling fat, disgusting and sweaty either. It’s definitely been a journey so far and it doesn’t stop, but I’m happy with my healthy lifestyle now (can’t believe I’m saying those 2 words in a sentence and they pertain to me) … This year I want to continue with the no sugar, excising and the LCHF lifestyle, which works incredibly well for me… but I’m adding something: This year I want to FEEL COMFORTABLE in my own skin. For so long on my weight loss journey I’ve been trying to get to a goal… but I haven’t stopped to congratulate myself along the way and see how well and far I’ve come, because the goal hasn’t been reached. F*ck that… Now, I want to feel comfortable and if I don’t, do something about it. I want to feel happy in my skin, feel good when I wave my arms and they don’t wave along with me, feel comfortable enough to walk around sarong free! You’ve always been beautiful Kate… ALWAYS!
    I’m behind you all the way and if you need anything I’m here! xxxx

    1. Thanks so much Bails! I know you know this feeling so well – and your transformation has been nothing short of inspiring! I think being comfortable is the most important thing – I’ve received some grief about complaining about being a size 12. Actually, size is irrelevant – its about knowing how you should look and feel – regardless of the size jeans you wear. I’m already feeling better and more confident – and I’m so happy I’ve started this journey. Thanks again! xx

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