The Anti Makeup Review (The Most Rubbish Beauty Products In My Bag)

The Most Rubbish Beauty Products in my Bag

As a hoarder of all things cosmetic, I have taken it upon myself to save you money this year (you’re  very welcome) by helping you shop for things that aren’t shit. And trust me, with the way I purchase beauty products I have quite the list of beauty boo boos to share with you.

1. Any mascara from Maybelline that isn’t this one:

great lash

… And even then, one needs to have saintly patience before it really becomes good. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of ronds I have literally urinated away on purchasing glorified tubes of rubbish promising extra length, false look effect and 33% more volume. Dogs bollocks, all of them. The biggest culprit? This waste or R190 posing as a wand of mascara:

Maybelline_New_York_Volum__039__Express_Colossal_Smoky_Eyes_Mascara___Intense_Smoky_Black_10_7ml_1368009993

2. This face cream from Sorbet.

Is it a cream or an exfoliator? Because why in gods name would a face moisturiser contain microscopic grains of sand? Ladies, picture going to the beach, getting dunked by a wave and having sand land in your bikini top. Picture that sand rubbing against delicate nipples for hours on end. Unpleasant? Well that’s exactly what this cream from Satan feels like when applied to your face.


sorbet hydro skin

3. Essie Nail Polish

I’ve watched an episode of Friends that lasted longer than this crap. Plus, Essie is now stocked in Clicks. That’s when you know a product is officially one step away from being the water boy at a B game.

Essie

4. This cop-out of colour disguised as an eye shadow.

SHAME ON YOU CATRICE FOR EVEN ATTEMPTING TO LAUNCH SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I could get more colour out of a tin of baking soda. Not even wetting the brush and applying the dare-I-call-it-shadow like a paint makes a difference. Donate this one to a small child, or a dustbin closest to you.

Catrice eyeshadow

5. This smells-like-a-hookah shower gel

Disclaimer – it may be because I’m pregnant, but using this shower douche (and what a douch it is) pretty much smells like I’m washing my bits with strawberry hubbly bubbly tobacco.

Palmolive

 

6. Aussie Miracle Hair conditioner

What is a miracle? Walking on water? Actually finding that needle in a haystack? Because seriously, to name your product after an entire country (as well as an act of divine intervention) is really setting your standards, and my expectations very high. Plus, it’s sold at Clicks, and we all know what that means.

The only redeeming factor to this shameful excuse for a conditioner? It smells glorious. But so does bacon, and that’s also pretty rubbish when applied to your scalp.

aussie miracle

I’m stopping here. I don’t want to overwhelm you or make myself cry again.

If you were planning on buying any of the above items, stop it immediately and spend your money on something more wise, such as a water pistol, or electronic can opener.

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11 Comments

  1. Kate… My god woman… You really were handed the writing gift when they were handing them out. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy reading your stuff!

    I’m not much of a reader, or a follower of blogs for that matter. But I am completely hooked!

    Hope you are well darling!

    Lots of love x Sam

    1. Haha Sam, thank you! I was behind you in the gorgeous department – so I will gladly trade a spelling lesson for a day with your face 😉 Thanks for reading and commenting, I hope you are doing well xxx

  2. Lol the metaphors use in the peice, I seriously felt the sand on my nipples. You are spot on for Essie nail polish. I must admit that some of the products have worked great for me (Mabeline Mascara and Aussie products). Perhaps application methods or different hair textures influence the results but I still enjoyed the read:)

    1. Hi Tish – I completely agree! There are some products I swear by that others are appalled by – so its most definitely a personal preference – I reckon if you find a goodie, stick with it 🙂

  3. You’re brilliant! I have bought that mascara before-I was expecting something marvellous, thanks for spreading the news and a good laugh!

  4. Awesome blog, thanks Katie. I’m looking for a new eyeliner pencil (black) that doesn’t break the bank… Any suggestions?

    1. Thanks Shannon! 🙂

      When picking an eyeliner pencil its always important to look for something ‘kohl’ as its softer and easier to apply. Anything else will tug at your eyelids and do little else.

      My top suggestions:

      1. Revlon Colourstay
      2. Original kajal eyeliner chubby pens from china mall (as cheap as chips! – look for them in the red or blue plastic packaging)
      3. Maybelline Master kajal Kohl liner (my top suggestion)

      PS – Make sure to invest in a fat plastic sharpener with 2 sized holes 🙂

      Enjoy!

  5. My colleague sent the link to your blog…and I am in stitches!! Love it, and love that I can get reviews before buying s*#t!! Here’s to having each others ‘back’ =) xx New fan

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