The Most Rubbish Beauty Products in my Bag
As a hoarder of all things cosmetic, I have taken it upon myself to save you money this year (you’re very welcome) by helping you shop for things that aren’t shit. And trust me, with the way I purchase beauty products I have quite the list of beauty boo boos to share with you.
1. Any mascara from Maybelline that isn’t this one:
… And even then, one needs to have saintly patience before it really becomes good. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of ronds I have literally urinated away on purchasing glorified tubes of rubbish promising extra length, false look effect and 33% more volume. Dogs bollocks, all of them. The biggest culprit? This waste or R190 posing as a wand of mascara:
2. This face cream from Sorbet.
Is it a cream or an exfoliator? Because why in gods name would a face moisturiser contain microscopic grains of sand? Ladies, picture going to the beach, getting dunked by a wave and having sand land in your bikini top. Picture that sand rubbing against delicate nipples for hours on end. Unpleasant? Well that’s exactly what this cream from Satan feels like when applied to your face.
3. Essie Nail Polish
I’ve watched an episode of Friends that lasted longer than this crap. Plus, Essie is now stocked in Clicks. That’s when you know a product is officially one step away from being the water boy at a B game.
4. This cop-out of colour disguised as an eye shadow.
SHAME ON YOU CATRICE FOR EVEN ATTEMPTING TO LAUNCH SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I could get more colour out of a tin of baking soda. Not even wetting the brush and applying the dare-I-call-it-shadow like a paint makes a difference. Donate this one to a small child, or a dustbin closest to you.
5. This smells-like-a-hookah shower gel
Disclaimer – it may be because I’m pregnant, but using this shower douche (and what a douch it is) pretty much smells like I’m washing my bits with strawberry hubbly bubbly tobacco.
6. Aussie Miracle Hair conditioner
What is a miracle? Walking on water? Actually finding that needle in a haystack? Because seriously, to name your product after an entire country (as well as an act of divine intervention) is really setting your standards, and my expectations very high. Plus, it’s sold at Clicks, and we all know what that means.
The only redeeming factor to this shameful excuse for a conditioner? It smells glorious. But so does bacon, and that’s also pretty rubbish when applied to your scalp.
I’m stopping here. I don’t want to overwhelm you or make myself cry again.
If you were planning on buying any of the above items, stop it immediately and spend your money on something more wise, such as a water pistol, or electronic can opener.